For my Friday feature, I am once again going to go a bit off the wall. In the midst of baseball and hockey and the looming threats of watching Tebow become a Patriot in the draft and the Celtics get obliterated by the Heat in round 1, I find myself wondering about soccer. I know, weird, but there ya go. This is brought on mainly by the approach of the World Cup. The U.S. got a good draw this year and may be able to escape Group C (containing Algeria, England and Slovenia) to get into the main tournament, and I’m always all for America kicking a little ass on the world stage. The real genius of the World Cup though comes from its infrequency. Anything you have to wait four years to see and have to go to Irish pubs to watch has to be a good thing, right? I’m ready for it, and I am trying to find the beauty in this gentleman’s game played by ruffians.
Some of that beauty is in the fans. If you want passion, look no further than the pitch. Last night, because for some damn reason the TV gods didn’t deign to show me my Bruins game, I watched some of the Philadelphia Union’s 2-1 loss to the Toronto Whateverthefucks. My buddy Ffej told me a story a little while ago about how Philly has apparently been angling for years for an MLS team, with fans going so far as to travel to nearby games to root against the home teams (like the Revolution, who I may adopt) and fashion preemptive rivalries (they also have awesome logos and colors). Last night’s game was in Toronto, where apparently the deal is that you verbally berate and throw long streamers (or what-have-you) at any opposing player attempting a corner kick. All this might seem like child’s play to the hooligans in Europe, but it’s a very American approach. We love rivalries, and we love the idea of being the 12th man (or is it 13th? I don’t know). I have another buddy (MikeOdius) who lives in Seattle and has become a Sounders season-ticket holder based on the atmosphere alone. He has probably even taken to actually liking the sport itself after seeing so much of it. I am not there yet. Like I said, I get my fix every four years and that’s that. But I find it strange that we would not take this game and make it our own. I guess we’re just more used to making up our own games altogether. Never fear, though, for I know just how to fix soccer. I’m going to have to if I want to get in on this Revolution-Union bad blood.
If you have ever had to live through the month-long ordeal that is test cricket, with its 5-day long tests and endless at-bats and sparse action, you would know just how revolutionary 20-20 cricket is. For the rest of you, suffice it to say the Indians (dot) have taken an unwatchable, unmarketable contest and made it into an exciting spectator sport. It’s now catching on throughout the cricket-playing world. I mean, which one of those websites looks like it covers a real sport? That’s what America needs to do with soccer. It’s a low-contact, relatively uneventful game punctuated mostly by lots of dives and the near-constant stymieing of both offenses. See, our major sports have it figured out: You don’t need to score all the time, but you do need to have plenty of action that can take place without points, or in pursuit of points. That’s what I feel soccer lacks. The fans are crucial and the rivalries are building (I’d watch Parcheesi for a good rivalry) but dammit we’re Americans! We need action! We need violence! Give it to us!
First of all, let’s just get a couple things straight: You play sports on a field, clocks count down, and they stop when play stops. Now, I like the wide open free play, but if there is a real stoppage for injury or the like, just stop the clock. Why do we have to try to guess the stoppage time at the end? It’s a senseless and archaic holdover and you know it. And get rid of these stupid Euro-inspired names. What the hell is Chivas USA? It’s bad enough you make me put up with all those new age, WNBA-like singular team names like the Galaxy and the Revolution; I really have no patience for DC United (no matter how appropriate it may seem to you Premiere League types). American Soccer also needs to find a way to reward toughness and eliminate all these pathetic dives. Let the Europeans writhe on the turf trying to draw a flag (er, card). For us it’s just embarrassing. I would say that if a guy is running full speed less than 20 minutes after being “injured” on a penalty, he ought to be immediately ejected. But that’s just me.
The real issue to address with soccer is of course the scoring and scoring chances, and I think I have that sussed as well. Now, you don’t want to become lacrosse, and start having 15-12 soccer games. Then a goal hardly matters at all. You are looking for more of the 4-2 or 5-3 type of game, where each team has plenty of chances and there is a lot of excitement on both ends where the athletes can get a chance to show their talents. The NFL last year saw its teams average about 23 points a game or so, or just over three touchdowns. The NHL this season had an average of just under three goals a game per team. The MLS, meanwhile, averaged about 1.3 goals a game per team last year. That’s not a major difference (unless you are going by percentages) but the difficulty for soccer is what is going on between those goals. The rules and the tactics of the game make it nearly impossible to get a breakaway or any sort of clean scoring chance. And no exciting offense means no spectacular defense. But what to do without rendering the game unrecognizable? Well, I have some thoughts on that.
You could always make the goal bigger or remove the goalie or other such ideas like that, but that doesn’t do much for the game “between the 20s.” Adjusting the offside rules could help, perhaps having a more hockey-like style with an offensive zone the ball needs to enter ahead of the controlling team. However I am thinking more along the lines of another hockey institution. I believe it will be the penalty box, not blue lines, which will save soccer. Think about it. Instead of having one penalty a game that renders the offending team dead in the water, have a bunch of temporary man advantages throughout the match to put more pressure on defenses and make things more interesting. It works for lacrosse really well, a sport hurt by the opposite problem soccer has: too much scoring (though they have the violence to make up for it). Increased power plays are bringing hockey back around for some people as well. I think if you could invent a bunch of minor fouls (like flopping, as a for instance) and assess decent periods of time for them (5-10 minutes I would say), it would open up the field and let the players play a little more.
In the end anything that would give the athletes more of a chance to showcase their unique abilities is going to benefit the sport immensely. Really, isn’t that all we really want? These are some of the greatest players in the world playing in a country with an insatiable appetite for good sports. They deserve a format that allows them to shine. So, contact the commissioner of Major League Soccer for me and set up a meeting. I’ve got it all figured out…
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